You Know I'm Not Dead

Now you know where I've been
As you sleep
Torn I am
Weighted down
Patiently
Born of love
You know I'm not dead
I'm just living in my head
Forever waiting
On the ways of your desire
You always find a way
And through it all
Into us all you move
Forgotten touch
Forbidden thought
We can never have enough
You know I'm not dead
Found below
The creatures scream
Stranglehold
A god machine
Begging to
Tear us out
Worn as hope
You know I'm not dead I'm just the tears inside your head
Forever waiting
On the ways of your desire
You always find a way
And through it all into us all you move
Forgotten touch
Forbidden thought
We can never have enough
You know I'm not dead

We all want to hold in the everlasting gaze
Enchanted in the rapture of his sentimental sway
But underneath the wheels lie the skulls of every c.o.g.
The fickle fascination of an everlasting god
You know I'm not dead

I'm just living in my head
Forever waiting
Forever waiting on cruel death
You know I'm not dead
I'm just living for myself
Forever waiting
You know I'm not dead

- "The Everlasting Gaze", by The Smashing Pumpkins, written by Billy Corgan.

Found: Attic Fashion Treasure!

When I was fourteen, my paternal grandfather passed away. I can't say that I knew him particularly well; he wasn't the warmest person. However, I do have many fond memories of him suddenly opening up and sharing a moment of closeness with me, in a restaurant showing me the trick to getting especially viscous ketchup out of the bottle, or helping me straighten out my (clip-on) tie at my Aunt's wedding. Still, I was fairly shaken by his death, as he was the first of my elders to pass, and especially because my dad took it surprisingly hard. We returned from the funeral with a few items that had been handed down to me, most notably my grandfather's Marine Corps Dress Blue blouse and a few articles of clothing.

This morning, for whatever reason, I was compelled to dig in the attic through my old Tucson clothes box, which I hadn't been through since we moved to Salt Lake nearly ten years ago. Lo and behold, I found my inherited clothes! A couple dozen vintage ties, a tan sports coat, and the crown jewel: a navy waistcoat that fits like it was made for me! Huzzah! Waistcoats, or vests, have recently become acceptable again for those willing to take a little chance in their wardrobe, and it will fit perfectly with my old-school style. In fact, I recently purchased a new suit (which I pick up today! Delightful!), which is a very nice mid-gray solid. Wearing the navy waistcoat with this suit will contrast nicely, and add the extra "pop" at functions like a wedding, signaling that I have "dressed up" a little extra, given that I wear suits regularly.

Thanks for everything, Pop-Pop!

VICTORY!

Good morning, world!

I am proud to announce that last night, I took first place in the college's talent show. There were something like 20 contestants, many of whom also sang and played guitar. How did I stand out? There were two things that really set me apart and, I think, helped push me over the top:

1) I played an original song that I wrote, "Melody Maker," which is coincidentally about writing songs! By portraying myself as a songwriter, and then delivering a solid performance of a decent original work, I demonstrated a depth of talent that went beyond those people simply performing another artist's song.

2) I played harmonica along with guitar, true to singer-songwriter form. This really sizzled.

There were many cheers throughout my performance, not just at the end - a first for me. Also, and I didn't realize this until I was done playing, but this was my largest audience yet, easily over 100 people. Now, maybe there have been times out at the People's Market where there have been more people than that within ear-shot, but these people were all there listening intently, and digging it! This is really a huge boost, one that I surely needed right now. Thanks, everyone!

I'm Tired, World

So I literally just woke up from a nightmare about getting mauled by a pack of wolves. What's worse, I don't need to sit and think "whoa, what does that mean", or seek feedback from some tie-dye skirt clad guru. I know exactly why I had this dream; it was the first thought in my head when I woke up.

I've felt lately like the world is just out to get me.

Let's start with school: I feel totally alienated. Almost everyone at my school is young, so god damn young. Fresh out of high school. And they all seem to know each other, and though I am trying, they don't seem to want to get to know me. Now part of this is my fault. I show up in my suits while they're riding their skateboards around campus; I think the disconnect is fairly clear. They're sitting in a group, getting loud and excited about getting drunk at a party, a party that I desperately want to be invited to, when they get quiet upon suddenly noticing me looking sharp, assuming I'm part of the faculty and that they may have just incriminated themselves. Even the career resource center's business department adviser asks me "why are you all dressed up?" Okay, I get it. Like Conor Oberst said to Amy in the White Coat: "you should look more like us."

Now...Better Living has up and completely stopped talking to me; won't take or return my phone calls, hasn't answered my last few emails, and has even started deleting my comments on her blog. You would think that she had dumped me...oh, wait, she did, but that was last NOVEMBER. We managed, with some early turbulence, to maintain a decent (if distant for my tastes, but hey, that's just me, the dump-ee) friendship. I even recently sent her a note to express my thanks for her graciousness, and my gratitude and happiness that we were able to remain friends. Um...was this yet another fucking case of my being too nice? Was she suddenly weirded out because I wrote in the note that I loved her? Hello, as a friend. And also because, in my world, you don't just stop loving people. Okay, so maybe you do stop talking to them (for some reason), but the love is still there - I sure hope that isn't what started this.

Now, I'm not trying to be bitter. I'm actually trying very, very hard to be positive, hopeful, and optimistic. It just gets hard, especially when it feels like the whole world is after me. I hate to be this wounded animal begging for mercy, but please, call off the wolves.

Thursday Late Edition

Well hello there world! After my pouting yesterday, I figured I would talk about some fun stuff that I did today that help to brighten my spirits a bit. I am officially part of the chicken co-op at school; I will be tending to the school's five chickens every Monday. This entitles me to a share of the eggs but, as I already have eleven chickens at home, I am letting the other co-op members have my share. So, I am essentially doing this out of the kindness of my heart. Good to know there is still some kindness in there...

I also went to an open house at a CPA firm. The highlight: the firm's national recruiter complimented my tie. Twice! It was a brand new tie that I got out at the state fare. A new company out of Ogden, "Neck Strings" was there selling their not-too-shabby ties for a jaw-dropping 2 for $15. While these ties aren't actually made locally (they design them here and have them made in China), the quality is up there with designer ties from Nordstrom or Dillards, which come from China anyways but cost $50-$70. Score!

Sometimes, it is the little things that make all the difference...

Happy Birthday to Me

Well, I can't say this is exactly the happiest birthday I've ever had. I think I am officially over the hump in that I no longer look forward to this day each year.

"Oh, cheer up," you say, "this is your day!"

Well, I am claiming birthday immunity.

That is all.

Those Silly Chickens

So we have eleven chickens, who give us around 7 lovely eggs a day. Yum. One in particular is "my" chicken. She's a turken, a particular breed of chicken that has no feathers on its neck, causing it to resemble a turkey. Fitting her look, and her status as one of the alpha chickens, she is named "Reverend Mother Helen Gaius Mohiam", after the Dune character of course.

Well, recently, she has been "brooding", which is a term for the silly chicken behavior of staying in the coop and nesting on top of the eggs all the time. Also it can include acting crazy and hostile when not nesting on the eggs, as another of our chickens demonstrated last year, but Helen has been pretty docile. She just stays inside, always on top of the eggs, to the point that we wonder how all of the eggs are even getting under her. Does she move to allow the other hens to lay? Or are they laying around the coop, and then she gathers the eggs to her nest? Hmmm...

Well, this morning I went outside and there was Helen, running and scratching around in the outdoor run, like a normal well-adjusted chicken! Let's hope she keeps it up, and that her brooding days are behind her. Also, maybe this is a sign that my own days of "brooding" and being "cooped up" might be coming to a close...

Ah, the simple life of a silly chicken!