So I think I have it now - a way to tie all of this together into a nice little package - the ideas of overcoming selfishness, finding true humility and generosity, knowing what such lofty ideals sound like, and how to communicate them in the language of muic.
Unlike the song "Distance Fades" from yesterday, this understanding has not come to me intact. It is like the shadow of a whisper...barely there, if it even exists. Like all of the right words are out there somewhere, but I didn't hear them. Like God whispered the answer, but I just saw the slight change in the light as the fading air molecules floated away. I've stumbled onto some of the evidence, but I need to find the proof.
So I am going to meditate on all of this, listen closely so perhaps I may hear the echo as it bounces back from the faraway places I don't quite understand. I do understand this much - I have been a kind of monster these last few months, frightening everyone around me, pushing some of them away completely. Instead of feeling The Force flowing around me, allowing it to direct me where I needed to go, I tried to force things to flow the way I wanted. This past weekend I spent hours outside singing at the top of my lungs, as if I could just be loud enough, that would make everything clear, as if one could force people to understand when they don't want to listen. That is the dark side twisting things, selfishness distorting honest love and compassion, until the real message is lost, drowned out by blaring frustration and cloaked in obscuring fear.
But there is hope! I can feel the Anima Æternus...it is within reach.